“But I’m not premenstrual. She was wearing the same dress…”


When Laird said, “The biggest most common reason to be bit is a woman with her period.” We were astounded.

Had women been targeted by big Whitey? Had the FBI been hiding the stats? Were ladies with ‘the painters in’ running legs akimbo into the sea waving their lady gardens about releasing large slicks of shark attracting womb lining into bathing and surfing areas? OHMGEE The horrors! It’s a crimson tide of Sharknado proportions!

“Go away I’m a man. See my Powertool!”

Man, I know more than anyone out there that women on their periods can be dangerous. For some reason my man senses are particularly dulled to the pheromonal signals that flag:
‘Don’t what ever you do say something that could be construed as ‘smug’ and label you as a ‘wanker’
‘Basically just keep your mouth shut…’
‘Just shut the fuck up..’
‘You just wouldn’t listen..’
‘Run goddamit your balls are dust…’

But women on periods targeted by shark attacks… No. Didn’t see that coming.

“What do you mean ‘sanitary wear’?”

Of course if anyone throws large amounts of blood into the ocean for any length of time sharks will come. But sharks aren’t likely to interpret human blood as food. We are not their prey. But in any case women tend to have a handle on, erm ‘feminine hygiene’ in 2017. They have products and stuff. Even I know this. I see the adverts with their catchy tunes with women happily daring to jump out of aeroplanes during their menstrual cycle. The amounts of blood or secretions entering the water are minimal. So minimal chumming of an uninteresting substance is what the science says.

“But the bears..’ they said. I don’t know about fucking bears, I don’t see many in Newquay high street…. All I know is millions of women aren’t being attacked for daring to go into the ocean during Code Red…

Let’s look at stats, and that’s all you can do in situations of mass hysteria. And then we will pick up on some science…

1941-2014 there were 1132 recorded shark attacks in Australia, of which 968 involved men, and only 64 women.

Were women stood next to all those men? Were the fair sex to blame for their attacks too? There is no proof, no evidence, no reason to paddle away from women in the lineup because there may be a 25% chance they are riding the cotton pony.

Nearly every single person ever bitten by a shark, in Australia and around the world, since records began, has been a man. #fact

“No, I am a man in space. No women to see here…”

Between 1940 and 1959, only four women were involved in incidents compared with 139 men (2.8 per cent)

29 of the 283 incidents between 1990 and 2015 involved women (10.2 per cent)

In Australia there are an estimated 100 million beach visits a year. If you give that a rough 50/50 split gender split, 50 million women, and 25% roughly menstruating at any given time… Where are the attacks? Where is the red flag? If the ‘Code Red’ claims were true every tourist bathing area in the world would be a boiling pit of feasting sharks.

Of course if you want to go free diving with sharks while menstruating with an unprotected vagina I am sure you will get a reaction. But the science says the sharks aren’t looking for human blood. They are looking for the amino acids present in their normal prey…marine animals… not our blood, sweat or even pee.

Periods do not cause shark attacks. (More science here)

Chris Lowe, shark researcher at Cal State University of Long Beach, told The Huffington Post in response to Hamilton’s comments. “ …the amount of blood loss during menstruation is probably less than average scrape or cut that a kid or surfer may get while playing in the water.”

Marie Levine, founder and executive director of the Shark Research Institute, told Mother Jones back in 2012. “I’ve been diving for decades and even got my period while underwater with a school of hammerheads. The sharks were not interested and I had to fin like crazy to get close to them.”

So let’s not give credence to an unfounded claim and put women under the microscope even more than they already are. They face enough bullshit from the less confident males in the lineup as it is.

The number one cause of shark attacks the globe is… men doing dumb shit. It’s what we do. Man up and deal with it.

“Not you again”