In life’s lottery some people get a fear of heights, some are terrified of custard, an odd few have to line up their cutlery just so and others snore like badly tuned Russian tractors. In the gene pool sweepstakes your correspondent got ‘sensitive’ sleepy time. As in when a dormouse lets off a barely perceptible nutty parp I wake up. So snoring, crickets, ticking clocks, dripping taps, distant club music, cars passing, drunk people, rain, lounge destroying sex and -as well evidenced recently- roof shattering hail. These all tend to keep me awake into the small hours* Hell, even the glow from street lights disturbs me. There is the obvious solution of ear plugs but then you also can’t hear your alarm go off after that 45 minutes kip… It’s a life skill that’s as useful as a waterproof teabag. Still. Being awake all night lets you ruminate on other things that aren’t right.
FROZEN WETSUITS…
Nothing more mentally traumatising than having to put on a winter wetsuit that’s been steadily hurtling towards -273˚ Kelvin overnight. It hurts physically and mentally. They say divorce, moving house and bereavement are the worst things you can go through. That ain’t diddly squat compared to a 6mm winter suit with a nice ice glaze on it. Our advice: have a minimum of two winter suits. That way one of them is always gonna be vaguely dry… Also don’t leave wet ones in the motor. Obvs.
WINTER STORMAGE…
Nothing wrong with plenty of swell, storms and all that but calm it down with the wind will ya and make it not westerly 24/7. NW or SW is fine, that gives us sheltered spot options, but straight west is well bum. Now it’s spring (metrological I know, not astronomical, which does make far more sense for deciding the seasons but is a bugger for statistics and records hence the Met bods inventing their own seasons) hopefully things might calm down a tad.
TEMPERAMENTAL ELECTRONICS…
The digital photography thing was meant to make life easier. Saying goodbye to easily damaged slide film that was readily lost in the post was supposed to be a good thing. It gave us control. No more relying on a lab to process it correctly and a repro house to scan things right. Photographers could now be master of their own destiny, you shoot it and your pics are ready to roll… Unless, of course, the external hard drive or phone you are storing the pics on decides to eat its self and your shots and chews them into the digital equivalent of what happens when a badger has a one sided fight with a heavy goods vehicle. Not good. Double back up everything kids, unless you really want to know what despair is. Especially those phone shots. They’re only one software update away from vaporising.
BAD FLIGHT DECORUM…
If you are flying internationally then please have the good manners to shower and deodorise before you do so. If you don’t fancy that and want to travel with apocalyptic body odour then either a) don’t sit next to me or b) wear a hermetically sealed biohazard suit so you can keep your noxious fug to yourself. If filling my olfactory sense with eye watering man stink wasn’t enough falling asleep with your elbow akimbo in a ‘I’m a little teapot stance’ so I can’t even sit upright on my seat without getting a pointy elbow to the ribs is just the icing on the cake. Airline travel it’s glamorous right? Jeeeez. Also arm rest etiquette: hogging the thing for the whole flight is not way cool, not at all.
T-REX ARMS…
After not surfing for a few weeks due to injury that first surf back is supposed to be a magical moment… ‘Just like riding a bike,’ they say. They forget to mention the paddling muscles have withered and died. Leaving you with arms akin to a T-Rex’s feeble twig efforts. The net result is the will is there but the body is lacking.
There. That’s better. Lack of sleep makes me write if nothing else…
*This could be why I’m grumpy… Yes. That’ll be it. 😉
