Gerry Lopez, otherwise known as Mr Pipeline, has been found running a balti house in Birmingham.
Gerry, 105, was previously thought to be living in Oregon, snowboarding, surfing and hand shaping boards worth $1,000,000 per board but CARVE’s dogged reporter tracked him down to ‘Lightning Balti’ a small curry house on the outskirts of the city centre.
“I just felt a calling,” said the master philosopher. “I wanted to perfect the balti. It wasn’t about the fame, I didn’t think I was pushing boundaries, I just started frying onions in a magic balti dish, that is said to have been passed down from the time the Duke invented surfing in India and I had a kinda of Zen moment. As I was tossing in the ginger I was so deep, it just felt like time had stood still. I just had to travel to the home of the balti, the north shore of the midlands and pit myself against the best. That’s when I said ‘Whatevahs, we go!’ to myself and here I am.”
But it hasn’t all been plain sailing. “I had to prove myself in the line-up, I had to pit myself against the British weather, and I had to go and get my herbs from Handsworth. That was heavy. I took one look at those mean streets and just said. “Okay, shit, I guess this is a good day to die!”
Rumours that Gerry uses the archery skills he picked up when starring with Arnie Schwarz’ in Conan to poach lambs in the Welsh hills can not be confirmed.
Stop press: Gerry has since been accepted on Dragon’s Den where he hopes to get the Dragons interested in a line of ready meals and sauces under the ‘Lightening Balti’ label.